is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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