Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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