The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
