My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
