Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
