I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize