I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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