Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
