Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
