3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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