I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
