I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
