I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
this just has baby written all over it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
