my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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