and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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