Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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