So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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