I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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