I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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