I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A+ Viking dick
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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