Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
