i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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