Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
