don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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