Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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