Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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