I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Damn victory sex feels great
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
