Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize