You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
