walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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