This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
