The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
