so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
