Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
