Do you still have your period?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
