I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
