he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
