how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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