i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
