Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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