I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
