so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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