he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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