how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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