if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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