just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize