from now on my penis is your penis
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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