i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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