The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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