There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
