someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
