You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
