He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't deserve a penis
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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