How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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