By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
