I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
