Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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