I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
