No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize