just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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