no, he came in my armpit
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
